Freelancer’s Guide to Sales: Making Friends
We had one of those epiphanys on Sunday while walking down the street to surf Sharks (inspiring name huh). Peter & I were discussing the value of attending TED in 2008 and whether it is worth the $12,000 it costs if we manage to get tickets. For a 12k entry cost, he wanted to make sure that beyond learning, we drove some business from that investment. As we walked along, Peter wondered out loud how we could find an opening to give our elevator speech when we met people. After all, it isn’t your standard technical business conference but more of an orgy of learning.
I thought about it and bit and realized, we don’t. We go there to make friends. We meet cool people who are as passionate about learning, people and technology as we are. People who can afford a $6,000 ticket and a week in Monterey, Ca. If you made a good enough connection, you follow up later. That is when you talk business.
The epiphany: All sales is nothing more than making friends. Giving your elevator speech, using the word which, all that crap, does you no good if you didn’t make a friend. As my wife told me not too long ago, stop thinking so much about your business and just try to have fun for goodness sakes.
I was all alone…
Very few people who know me today believe this, but I was very, very shy growing up. I went through this phase my freshman year in college where I quite lonely. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I had just broken up with my girlfriend, who was my best and only friend at the time. The weird part was that there were 20,000 students at UC San Diego and I never felt more alone in my life. People walked by me in the thousands and I couldn’t seem to connect with any of them.
I’d grab my longboard and skate down to Blacks to surf through the sunset into the night. Once I couldn’t paddle anymore, usually in the dark, I would climb back up the cliffs and sit in the that dip in the ridge where the warm wind blows up through the canyons. Staring at Orion, I would wonder what this life was all about and why I was so bummed out. After a few months of this, I made this resolute commitment to myself that I may not know how to talk to people and make friends, but by god I would figure it out, one way or another.
This was a conscious and determined process that lasted about 4 months and completely changed my life. I consider it the foundation to all of my current success, in my friendships, in business, in sales and in my marriage.
Weeks 1-2: Look People in the Eye
I started by watching people. I immediately noticed that the happy confident students looked people direct in the eye. I’d always felt uncomfortable doing that, like it was confrontational. Maybe I was just afraid of what someone might say or how they would react. So I set a goal for myself. On the walk between each and every class, I would look one person in the eyes. I have to say right now that it wasn’t exactly the miracle I was looking for. People usually looked at me funny, either with a curious or awkward look. I finally asked Becky, an acquaintance who eventually became a great friend, for some insight.
Weeks 3-4: Smile
“You just always look sad or focused.” she explained. I thought about that. I was actually feeling much better than I had in a long time and was pretty darn happy. I told her that I was in fact quite happy. She laughed and the poked me, “Then you might want to notify your face.” It was then I realized that looking into someones eyes while grimacing in discomfort, probably wasn’t going to make anyone my friend.
Most babies spend a good part of their day smiling. So, why do so many adults need to learn how? It still blows my mind that I had TO LEARN how to smile.
The first week my cheeks and the back of my head hurt from smiling so much. My muscles just weren’t used to it. I went around and smiled at everyone. Frankly, I would probably have scared you during those first few days if you had walked past me. This tall, skinny, barefoot (yup), long haired white kid would suddenly look up from the ground, stare you in the eyes, go from a grimace to a half grimace, to a 1/4 awkward smile, then sigh it relief as he looked back down. Kind of like a being slimed by the stupid green blob from ghostbusters. It got easier though, and people started to smile back. In fact, a lot of people did.
Weeks 4-8: Say “Hi”
The smile was rocking it. But, I wasn’t being swamped by a million new friends. I realized that most people would not start talking to me, I was going to have to take the initiative. So after many, many hours debating the best opening line to use when I was out and about, I decided to go with the absolute suavest, surest win. Hi. Then run. At least that was how it started. I took the look in the eyes, slipped in the smile, then said hi. And walked on. Did it over and over. People said hi back to me. Some added a few more words. Conversations came to life. By the end of winter quarter, I had a few people I was starting to hang out with. I made friends that took me all through my four years of college.
Weeks 8-now: Shut Up and Listen
Once I realized that people liked me (or seemed to), 18 years of word burst forth in a massive tidal wave. Gratifying for me, amusing for some, annoying to most. I’ve always believed most people have a natural number of words that need to be shared in a particular period of time. Most quiet people are great listeners. I was not. Lost some friends.
Back to basics. Look in their eyes, smile, say hi, shut up. I practiced listening and being interested in what people had to say. I realized I wasn’t that different, most people love talking about themselves, and the greatest show of appreciation is to listen with interest. In fact, I can usually spend 20 minutes listening attentively to someone talk about themselves and their life, say virtually nothing at all, and they will walk away thinking: “my gosh what a nice guy. We had the most interesting conversation.”
Sales is making friends
Most of our gigs don’t land on the initial contact, nor the second, not even the third. They come from having built a relationship with someone and being top of mind. What do I mean by that? When they think of us, they have an instant positive emotional reaction: “Gosh that guy is nice. I’d love to talk to him some more.” and maybe “It really would be fun and productive to work with him!” The goal of my initial contact is so that when I email them a few days after we initially meet, they are willing to make time out of their busy schedule to chat and talk business.
Next time you go to a mixer, ask yourself, “Did I Make a Friend?” If I call in two weeks, will they remember me?
As someone mentioned to me just a few days ago in a few comments on Christine’s post on sales at self-made, the core principles of sales and dating are pretty much the same thing. You want to make a friend.
So let me ask you all, what are some of the tips you have for making a lasting impression? How do you make it from small talk to long talk to friend?
Will you be my friend? I promise to listen to you and respond to all you comments. With feedburner’s help, I have put together a friendship subscription form if you would like to hang out with us regularly in the future. Oh, and if you liked it, help us out and digg it and Reddit it!
This is a great post. I only ‘know’ you since last weekend, but I wouldn’t have thought you were the shy type
But this is a great example of a gradual habit change, and a major one too. Congrats on that!
I need to do sales too soon, and I was kind of looking up to that…but if it’s mainly about making friends. I can do that!
So are you going to TED? That one is definitely on my (yet uncompiled) list of things to do in this lifetime.
shane –
i certainly understand where you are coming from when you talk about being the shy kid.
i just started my own business and feel very comfortable with being able to handle the design work and keep a good handle on the business side of things. it was the networking and sales that had/has me concerned.
you make it sound like much more fun than constantly pushing your business on every person you meet. i’m not surprised though, every post i’ve read from your blog has been full of well-written ideas that make me think, ‘wow, i want me and my business to be like that!’
thanks for the posts, and know that you are probably friends with a lot of people like me who read your blog every morning with a cup of coffee in hand and a smile on their face.
“Friendship subscription form.” Heh. Clever!
Great post!
This was an amazing post and worth every minute of reading.
I’ve always been the outgoing kid, the crazy one, the one who did everything. Or at least, that’s how people saw me – bold, driven, determined, unashamed and definitely not shy. Comes in handy for dating.
Comes in handy for business, too. Harry often says, “I wish I had half the confidence you have.” I give him a funny look over the virtual IM lines and wonder what the hell he’s talking about, because honestly, I’ve always felt shy. I don’t always feel confident.
Or, maybe confidence is a reflection of my feelings – that because I am shy (don’t laugh; I am), I tend to go overboard on outgoing.
Anyways, back to business – I believe that if you don’t ask questions, if you don’t move forward and try, you’ll never learn. If you don’t speak up, if you don’t raise your hand and pretend you’re not shy, you’ll never work. Or you will work, but in some lonely cubicle somewhere.
The second tangent of my thoughts (or are we at four tangents, by now) is that long-term relationships, for me, are the ones that are comfortably friendly. I’ve laughed at my clients’ accents and they’ve laughed at mine. I know at least one personal thing about each client. And the clients I know nothing at all about? They feel distant, cold, as if I’m never sure where I stand with them and I’m not quite sure I want to get any closer.
Funny, though – they did come to me because I was friendly in the first place… and yet…
I just want to hear what a tidal wave of 18 years worth of word sounds like.
Hey Shane, thanks for the post!
I just realized that while I usually don’t stop and read every word in a blog post, this time I did (and in fact, it wasn’t the first time that it happened to me on this blog). I think there are two possible reasons (probably both of which are true):
1) The post was really good.
I can relate to it pretty well, having been a bit of a shy guy myself as well. Outgoing, and easy to approach, but still not that good at making friends.
I’m still struggling with the point about listening more than talking every now and then. I often listen too “actively”, interpreting the things the other person says out loud – and soon realize that I made him/her uncomfortable by interrupting… That’s something that I have to unlearn.
2) It’s the power of friendship
It’s probably too early to say we’re friends, but I already feel like we are. And when your friends say something, you listen. Because you want to know more about them, and because you trust their judgement.
This is how this post relates to blogging. By writing in an open, friendly style, communicating with other bloggers and responding to all of the comments you make friends with the people visiting your blog. And then in return, they will read your posts instead of just skimming.
And as a bonus, 3) There is a bunch of great people commenting on the posts here at Shane and Peter’s. That’s yet another motivator for reading the post and concentrating in it: then I can better discuss with the rest of the people in this S&P blog community.
PS. Great photo! Which of the animals is you?
@Lodewijk – I have been dreaming of going since I found out about it. I don’t think we will pull of 2008 but 2009 is a very strong possibility.
As for gradual change, isn’t that the story of a healthy life? We keep changing and growing, adapting to our environment. So often, when I meet people who are unhappy it is because they are not willing to go through the pain of change. I heard this story a few years back from a friend (I’ll bet he stole it and first personed it):
he was walking back to his uncles farm and the basset hound would stop moaning and yelping. He went up to his uncle to find out what was wrong with the dog.
Is he ok?
Oh he just sat down on a piece of nail and wont let me help. Keeps biting at me every time I try to get close.
Why doesn’t he just move? It obviously hurts.
I guess it doesn’t hurt quite enough.
I think a lot of people are uncomfortably comfortable. They prefer the known misery to the unknown change?
Makes me wonder though – why are we all do absolutely terrified by the unknown? Is it a cultural thing or is it all people?
@Jarkko: I definitely think shane is the dog of the two. Loyal, playful, and loves to bark out loude (a.k.a. blog).
This is a great post shane. I think it is stunning how powerful eye contact, smiling, and welcoming gestures can be. I would like to throw a level of depth into this descussion though:
I find that acting engaged and happy is important, but not as important as being engaged and happy. (Though, studies show that smiling can make you happy)
Step 1. Be aware if you are not happy
Step 2. Be aware if you are not percieved as happy
Step 3. Smile, and say hi to be percieved as happy
Step 4. Learn to actually be happy.
Step 5. Pass GO and collect $200.
I find that being genuinely happy to be alive is a generally attractive trait.
Caring about what a person has to say, not just listening to listen, but listening to learn with respect, is an attractive trait.
Projecting confidence because you are confident, not arrogent, but self respecting is attractive.
That said, I am generally happy to be alive, i usually care what people have to say, and i am reasonably confident, yet shane is by far a better sales person.
@Shane – I don’t know why we’re affraid of the unknown and i’m to uncomfortable with the topic to discuss it further
@Jarkko – I like you too man!
Peter & I had this awesome discussion about friendship and dialog while surfing last night. I have been able to keep a vibrant, interesting conversation going with both him and julie for years, some silences but overall, consistent, challenging dialog.
But with some people, it falls flat. I ask open questions and nada. We just sit there. But I will see the same person has a great dialog with someone else they just met. I’ve begun to wonder if biology is somehow involved. Why is it that you totally connect with some people and not at all with others?
Is there any research out there? Has anyone noticed the difference, because I have been wondering a lot. We certainly have a lot of rituals within our society that send signals of openness and closed invitations for dialog. But why be open to one and closed to another? There is appearence, but is that enough to define the marked difference?
…
gosh, now thats a big question
@ Brad, Matt and James – thank you so much for your comments. I will reply in more length after I get back from this meeting I am late to leave for.
=)
Keep rocking the comments!
@ Peter – “Projecting confidence because you are confident, not arrogant, but self respecting is attractive.” Agreed – but everyone’s definition and perception of confident is different. That’s a problem. One person might see me as arrogant while the next sees me as driven. And also, cultural differences come into play. What is seen here in Quebec as confident is seen elsewhere as bold, brash and strong. Attractive? Depends on the person perceiving that strength of bold brashness.
@ Shane – Yes. There is. Damned if I know where to find it at this current moment, though, but there is “chemistry” involved.
@ Jarko – Active listening is tough. You’re doing the right thing by reaffirming your understanding of what the other person said by repeating it in your own words. Wait until they’re done talking, though, yeah. But I agree – I’ve found that while this may be productive and the psychologically accepted form of communication, people don’t expect to be heard and it makes them feel… odd. Strange that we want to be heard but that we feel uncomfortable when we are.
Hm. Italics. Sorry.
This was fabulous, but I’m sure I didn’t have to tell you that, Shane.
re: Your question about the intangible “thing” that makes conversations with some people work and some like watching paint dry…I really do think there’s something to be said for mysterious chemistry. I feel like I literally pick up on some people’s energy, and others…no matter how fast I swim or how much I slow it down, I can’t seem to find their wavelength.
This is a cool and lovely post, thank you.
I’m pretty sure I’m a sucky salesman. I’ve haven’t landed a single gig from a sales pitch. They all seem to come when I least expect it, and from people that I am more interested in talking to vs talking at.
The next ‘pitch’ situation I end up, I’m aiming for the relationship, not of the job. We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 20 minutes searching the web for an old clip of the Cosby show where Healthcliff teaches Theo about the 1/4 – 1/2 – 3/4 – Full smile progression. I didn’t find it, but its playing in my head, and its awesome.
Another superb article.
As an additional point, I find walking my dog around our local town invaluable for striking up conversations.
You still need to follow your steps of meeting people’s eyes, smiling, saying hi and listening, but the dog is a very good ice-breaker (plus it keeps you fit and makes you feel incredibly happy and well loved!).
Wow, it’s been such a busy day that now I need to do a lot of writing to comment on all the comments that I want to comment
@Shane (7): That’s a good question. I guess it’s something in our nature. We are afraid of the risk that the unknown could be even worse than the current state.
But there is a competing need: the need to see the unknown. I guess that makes the unknown compelling and terrifying at the same time. And then your actions depend on how the balance settles for you… Which one is more important: the curiosity or the fear?
Maybe when there’s nothing left to lose, we are not afraid of the unknown anymore?
@Peter (8): Being genuinely happy makes the person seem positive, and easier to approach. If there are too people I can go to to get an answer for a question (or to buy something from), I always pick the one who seems to be happy instead of the grumpy one.
But there is a fine line between being happy and overdoing it. At grocery stores you usually see this type: they smile just a bit too much and talk just a bit too friendly, so that instead of feeling appreciated you start to feel that they are just making it up.
Now that I think of it, at grocery stores usually it’s either this or the grumpy type
I wonder why that is…
“Caring about what a person has to say, not just listening to listen, but listening to learn with respect, is an attractive trait.”
That’s so true. It’s easy to make listening just something you do while waiting for your turn to speak. I do that way too often, but I know it’s nothing like the attractive trait of listening to really understand what the other has to say.
When listening becomes the act of waiting for your turn, discussions easily turn into competitions where you try speak as much as you can and silence others…
@Shane (10): Thanks
It’s funny how this discussion goes from one thing to another but still in a weird way feels consistent
You’re right, it’s a big question. I haven’t heard of any research (have to ask my wife tonight – she’s going to be a Psychologist), but I have noticed it many times.
I’ve often thought that it’s just a “feature” of a person that you’re either easy to get along with or you’re not. But as you say, then all of the sudden you notice that the people you think are not the easiest to get along with are in fact best friends with some other people.
So, there has to be “chemistry” involved. But what’s chemistry? Is it common interests? Or a general way you look at the world (some are more pessimistic, some are more pessimistic…)? Or, maybe some people don’t like to think about open ended questions, but instead want quick answers and simple life (Could it be somehow related to your earlier question on being afraid of the unknown?)
Or something completely different, like hormones… Although that wouldn’t explain the fact that you can feel connected over the internet.
@James (12): “Strange that we want to be heard but that we feel uncomfortable when we are.”
I wonder if that means that we should not listen actively, or if we should start also taking courses on “how to respond to being heard actively”…
Thanks for the point – I had never thought of it that way.
@eberlin (17): Hehe! So true.
Babies have the same effect. Whenever we’re out with Oiva (he’s six months old), there is someone coming to talk and look at him. And naturally they are smiling, which is great.
Jarkko, that’s funny about the listening… High performance competative listening… Who can listen fastest…
This is a fantastic post with wonderful advice.
There’s also the introverted/extroverted dynamic at play here. Introverted and shy are similar but not the same. Basically, introverts recharge alone and extroverts recharge with a group.
There’s a great article about it here:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
Big networking events are a nightmare for me, not so much because I’m shy but because I’m an introvert and can’t “do” small talk. It’s a huge energy drain and I’m pretty lousy at it. On the other hand, I truly enjoy one-on-one and connecting with people…which brings us back to your great advice about “making friends.” Listen. Be nice. Smile. Make friends.
Face to face is important, but I also do lots of outreach and connecting via writing (blog, email, etc.). The internet is a great boon for introverted entrepreneurs, and I love your idea of RSS as a “friendship subscription form.”
Rock on!
2 quick tips:
#1 – Ask them what is the most important thing they are working on (they’ll appreciate your interest & tell you a lot more about themselves than they would with a ton of questions).
#2 – Ask them how you can add value to what they’re doing. Maybe you know someone they’ve been looking for who you can connect them with, or you know someone who can solve a problem they have.
You solve someone’s problems, you add value to their business, and you’ll definitely be ‘top of mind’ – and they’ll return the favor by connecting you with others as well.
Sjeez, you can’t afford NOT to come here often. Too many comments to respond to!
@Shane (7): Gradual change can be a good change, but sometimes sudden change is possible and preferable. Stopping the smoking habit for instance…
I don’t know whether it’s genetic or culture that we’re afraid of the unknown. Most people are risk averse and the unknown does have risk involved. It’s outside of our comfort zone. But as Robert Allen says in his book The one minute millionaire: “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone”.
@Shane (10): I totally agree with James (12) and Susan (14) about the chemistry. It’s there! Some people…argh
@James (12): You’re totally right about the difference in perception. It does say a lot about the person viewing as well. A useful tool are the core quadrants developed by Daniel Ofman (a Dutch author).
In short, this is about four sides to every quality.
1) Quality
2) Pitfall (quality exaggerated)
3) Challenge (positive opposite of the pitfall)
4) Allergy (exaggerated version of the challenge)
Example:
1) Decisiveness
2) Nagging / Stubbornness
3) Patience
4) Passiveness
So if someone acts in a way that raises allergies with you, that signals a hidden challenge somewhere.
I’ll make a sketchcast about it soon, kind of hard to explain in a couple of sentences.
@Eberlin (17): Amazing how powerful that dog is, exactly my experience (don’t have a dog right now though). It’s like there’s an excuse to talk to each other, because you’re on the street with something silly as an animal…
@Jarkko (18): Yeah babies have the same effect, bigger even if you’re walking as a dad with your baby. Somehow women melt at that sight and come over for conversation.
@Peter (19): High performance competitive listening… Wow, how do you come up with these phrases!
@Sally (20): I’m with you. Having conversations in large groups (especially the listening) is exhausting! I so prefer one-to-one conversations, or structured one-to-many conversations. Just not with too much background noise (especially people talking).
@Dave (21): #2 would not work well in the Netherlands. You’d be ’selling’ too much. But if you start with #1 you have ample opportunities to slide into #2, suggesting people or telling how you could add value. That’s perfectly acceptable.
Sjeez, I’m writing monster comments here, while I should be writing new posts for my own blog…
@Sally – that is such a truth! Peter & I are on opposite side of that spectrum. I find myself recharged from being around people. Peter jokes about it all the time, every time I am depressed, all he needs to do is put me in a position of dialog with somebody talking about dreams. I pretty much perk up and get excited. Peter gets exhausted talking to people.
@Lodewijk – please let us know when you get the sketch cast!! That sounds interesting – and you are right – I didn’t quit get it.
@Everyone – thank you so much for your comments. I love it and want to answer each of you, but you are doing so well without me!
As I read all the comments and ponder upon their meanings, I keep having a nagging thought. It keeps feeling like we are back to talking about balance. Not so much balance in life but balance in personality.
I had a great talk with Eric yesterday, a coder who is going a good bit of work on one of our projects. We talked about how we could manage better (we are always learning) and the discussion eventually centered on one key idea. Strength often equal weakness.
As I try to work with our team, I try to understand people and their needs and communication styles. From my perspective, his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. He has an amazing sense for detail and systems. He is organized and has the memory of an elephant. These make him an exceptionally talented developer. Out of balance though, he gets stuck on detail and the disorganized style of a fast passed project is tough to digest. Same character trait, but depending on the scenario it can be a boon or a bane. The ultimate agreement, we need to continue becoming more structured and communicative as project managers and he will continue to work on his flexibility.
The interesting thing is when you read James or Jarkko’s posts, as they talk about their personal strength and weaknesses when dealing with people, I’ll bet you it is the same character trait, just in or out of control.
Anyways – I should be working, but I’m playing hookie and going to surf. Have a great day everyone!
oh and a big thanks for the really cute writeup from Sonia at remarcom and the best picture ever! Go check out her blog – it’s got some really great articles.
I’m realizing that reading our little blog here is more than a “grab the rss feed and go” process. I got this one on my iphone and read it in class (wonderful distraction btw) but didn’t even begin to actually grasp the scope of the entire communal dialogue.
@Lodewijkvdb – “Sjeez, you can’t afford NOT to come here often. Too many comments to respond to!” should definitely go into our fake blog-marketing campaign
I can see it now on a fake billboard.
It’s so true though! I’ll say that I’m so wonderfully glad that everyone here has been so active with the recent posts. The actual value of each of these recent entries goes through the roof when we get more than just a couple voices sharing.
So, my comment on the actual post: lovely read. I’ll put myself in the same boat as Shane as the introverted extrovert who both thrives off of and fears actual human interaction. I had the same sort of revelation about midway through 23 when I was starting up my freelance business. The fact is that A) you can’t grow a business without people and B) people, usually, actually want to get to know you, regardless of any “i’m cool and unapproachable” fascade they might put up.
@peter: when you get shane to reproduce that sound, can you send me an mp3? I have a feeling that’s the title of your new band: a tidal wave of 18 years worth of words.
Thanks, Shane, I am so glad you liked it!
(The photo *is* nifty, isn’t it? I love istockphoto, they always have something interesting to jazz my posts up–and sometimes the image gives me a new take or twist. I have a whole lightbox of good monkey pictures. And I’ll have to come up with a good post that would suit a hedgehog photo.)
Shane,
First of all, I loved, loved, loved this post. People are always surprised to find out that I’m actually a pretty shy person. I just tend to hide it really, really well. Stepping out of the shy/nervouse/akward shell is uncomfortable and scary for me, but no one else seems to give a damn at all, you know? Congratulations to you for breaking through your own shell.
Secondly, I’d sure like to be your friend!
That was a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing! It’s inspiring to see someone who sounds so confident talk about transitioning from being so shy. In high school I was the definition of a wall flower. I forced myself to join the speech and debate team to work on getting over it. Let me tell you, I still vividly remember the terror of that first speech but it was one of the best things I did for myself. Now I’m rather erratic, very confident sometimes and totally shy others. It’s hard to leave that past behind.
I’d say my tip is to focus first on confronting yourself. Force yourself to do things that seem equally scary as making friends but you can eventually be proud of. (For me it’s been public speaking, rock climbing at a gym, actually posting blog comments
) Then that inner sense of self shines out to others and makes them want to connect to you.
@ Shane – Okay, that was way, way too mind-blowing for 6am and coffee, but I think you may be onto something good. I think everyone should subscribe to my blog feed and follow my posts for two weeks to tell me if they believe you’re right
What’s amazing is how far off topic we all got as we rode the tangents of thoughts. Wasn’t this all about making friends instead of making business contacts? Wild.
hahah James, that a good pitch. But where is the subscribe link? You need to go read Naomi’s post on follow through.
Just to help out a bit – you really should subscribe to Jame’s blog. He and Harry are exceptional writers, even apologize when they piss off all the mom’s who work online, and consistently have provocative posts.
By the way – this isn’t an invite for everyone to drop their subscribe links all over our comments. This was an act of appreciation from me to james. So there you go. Write us a bunch of guest posts, comment intelligently and be all around friendly and chat with us on email and im etc…
@ Rose – I know exactly what you mean! Rock climbing example helped a lot – I started rock climbing to conquer my fear of heights. I’m still scared of heights but now it no longer is an impediment on my life.
@ Lorna, Thank you so much for the nice words. It means a lot coming from someone who has a blog like yours.
I just want to say: “Nervous”
“Nervous” does not have an “e” on the end, and I know this.
Really great post, Shane…
I myself used to be extremely shy, and to this day, I’m still a quite ‘reserved’ person. But one thing that I do with coworkers, which I’ve discovered is a great way to make them into friends, is: I always pay them back.
Say, I may have occasion to borrow a quarter for the drink machine, or a hot chocolate, or something small. 9 times out of 10, no one’s expecting you to actually return their money. (In fact, it makes most people feel good just to be able to do such small favors for others.) And so I will purposely make a big deal of paying back quarters: “I don’t like owing people…”
If the person insists I keep the money, that’s fine. But they respect the fact that I respect THEM enough to care about a piddly quarter! A friend is made…
Lesson learned: Most people take small favors for granted. If you become one of the few who don’t, it will make people want to do that much more for you!
You know what is cool? Someone opens up and attracts a flood of interesting comments and the beginnings of a community which makes me want to be a part of.
It’s a great post Shane and it touches me like everyone else because no matter how confident we feel there is always someone out there who makes us feel shy (unless you are schmoozing with the overbloated of this world then the shyness is not your problem your choice of company is).
Of coure you are correct – we sell to friends. I had this conversation the other day with a great salesperson. The sort of guy who makes you want to buy. He told me he doesn’t waste time selling to people he doesn’t like. It won’t work, and it won’t be long term if he manages to sell once. You make friends and then you ignore selling because it will happen by itself.
I’m happy I came to your blog (thanks Sonia) and keep up the good work.
@Lorna – you promise to overlook the gross misspelling that plague our blog, and I’ll never be nervouse again!
@Terry – hey man hows life? been a little while! I love your perspective. By showing explicit acts of caring and awareness, you provide a platform for trust. Which is a foundation for friendship.
@Timothy – Welcome my man! dude you blog is sweet – 1 word titles. I bet you it takes more time for you to pick them than it takes me to figure out the perfect sentence. I sure hope this is the beginning of a community. The people commenting over the last few days have really inspired us and pushed us to think and explore. It is a total honor!
Don’t sell to people you don’t like? Gosh that’s a tough call. There is wisdom there. Though I have to wonder if that is always right? I mean, my first major client was the Learning Annex and Bill, their CEO pretty much freaks me out. But for 5 years they were fantastic and the company had many great people. I guess in the end both Paul & Quinn were there with me and that made it a very positive experience. On the other hand, I have worked with people I absolutely loved and it was a disaster. No stories for now.
What does everyone else think? Timothy sure asked a good one.
@ Timothy : I agree about the community thing. That is cool. Well done, Shane.
@ Shane: It makes sense not to sell to people you don’t like. Can you imagine working with someone you hate long term? Or continually having to smile at a client you’d rather strangle who repeatedly comes back to buy your products? You know the “I like you” is insincere, he knows it’s insincere… how is that a good thing?
I think Timothy has a good point. It requires courage to turn down a customer, but it can pay off in terms of your quality of life. We talked about chemistry earlier in this discussion, and I think this is a good example of that in action: if I don’t get along with a customer, it doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t. So I would be doing a favor to both myself and the customer by pointing him to someone else.
But there is the other side: turning down money is not easy to do…
Thanks for the kind words everyone. If you try to sell to the “most” number of people the decision making process is different than if you sell to the right people.
I know money hath no odor and the objective for most companies is to get some of the stuff in the bank but the strategy of exclusive marketing and targeting your audience has merit and is a long term investment.
What do you want your client list to look like in ten years time? If your objective is to sell to everyone then go for it personally I find this more risky and is certainly not the way we work over here. If you are trying to sell to everyone you risk selling to no one or at the worst spending inordinate amounts of time doing stuff which leads nowhere.
After it depends on your product/customer/demogragphic etc. but it’s a question worth ruminating.
Excellent post. I definitely believe that a lot of opportunities you are presented with comes down with who you know. I think a lot of internet businessfolk probably share a similar story with being a loner or not very outgoing. I still consider myself a loner at times. I think there is an important balance that is different for everyone, but we should all strive to strike.
I am the type of person who can take a book into a crowded restaurant on a friday night and sit by myself and have no issues being alone. But, you should never close yourself off to other people. By meeting and talking to other people you are let in on their opinions and thoughts which could be drastically different from yours as they have probably had a very different background and have different life experience. These conversations quite often make you think and make you leave your comfortable safe zone.
RE: Monterey, I would love to come if I could. I actually lived there from 93-95 when I was in the Navy studying arabic and then again from 97-98. My husband and I met and got married in Monterey so it is some place we go back to every couple of years. Maybe this September for our 14th anniversary!
Thats so awesome Sara – 14 years is a cool benchmark. But who needs an excuse to go to Monterey! After all – we got big waves and good weather right now.